further proof that nothing good ever happens after midnight...

i love my high heels.
(WARNING: if you are a teenage boy, tomboyish girl, bored blogger, homework slacker, sleepy housewife or any kind of guy, proceed with caution. you're about to be swamped with a entire page of facts you honestly care nothing about. even if nothing on the previous list applies to you in any way, just go ahead and scroll down a little farther. seriously, if you're reading this...you have way too much time on your hands.)
let me say this again, for added effect.
i love my high heels. see, it all begins at the tender age of five for a young girl. it starts with watching the charming cinderella go waltzing around the ball room with her manly prince charming in her lovely glass slippers. then it's flipping reverently through musty wedding albums and seeing dear mommy smiling dazzlingly with her manly prince charming wearing her white slippers. and then it's opening the box containing your very first pair of plastic dress up disney princess heels. ohh, the delight. and at the innocent age of five, every young girl makes a decision she will stick to the rest of her life.
first, wear high heels as often as you can.
second, keep an eye out for prince charming.
and third... don't forget to be a princess.
in history, high heels were first invented as a way to keep tender tootsies out of the muddy streets. well, that, and also a manipulative method to keep royalty from running away...(why am i not surprised)...it's argued that leonardo da vinci was the first to create them as a fashion icon. the revival of western high fashion in the post-war 1950s was led by french designer christian dior and his collaboration with shoe designer roger vivier. together they developed a low-cut vamp and gave the little beauty an italian name for a small dagger with a slender, tapering blade...or a little something you hear giddy urban shoppers call the stiletto. well anyhoo, girls don't care about that. (odd, isn't it, what five minutes of google history can teach you about heels...)
girls like that wearing their heels gives them an instant confidence booster and upper hand in any situation. two added inches of heel height works magic over a group of cynical listeners. also, their feet look smaller, their legs look longer and, most importantly...we feel pretty. isn't that all that really counts? of course, there is one major drawback. it's a huge heartbreaking hardship on those cursed with the rare case of...long legs. i'm talking barbie long legs. over the years i've found a handful of friends with my same problem. we stick together and tearfully pad around in our floppy ballet flats. oh, life is harsh. it's like what the darling and wise seven year old muttered in disbelief to me, " how can you ever be a princess without high heels?!"
see, i had a list when i was six years old. even at that naive age i felt a responsibility to my future, so i gravely mapped out the next ten years. by the time i was sixteen i'd be ancient, and i needed to make sure i had a fail-proof plan. unfortunately, that list drawn on hello kitty note paper has been lost in our many moves across many states. i can only remember item two on that list...WORK AT TACO BELL AND/OR WALMART. understandably, i have an urgency to make sure that there is more on that list.
for reference, i interviewed a group of chatty six year olds from our old church in california. they were flattered that an ancient teenager would be so interested in their future, and they gladly filled me in.
abby said a pink truck and 10 dogs is a MUST. i made sure to write that one down on a napkin...
kaytee told me to wear dark lipstick and dresses every day and walk around barefoot. i told her i'm already doing two of those.
merissa said to work somewhere nice where you can make your own lotto and own pretty green aprons. note: pretty sure she meant latte, as in a starbucks? would have asked her to clarify but then
shelby mentioned i should have a nice boyfriend. i skipped that one...
tara slapped her hands on the table, turned to me, and yelled, "YOU HAFTA WEAR HIGH HEELS ALL THE TIME." the little girls cheered and i meekly tucked my flats under my chair....
high heels are monumental for every female. it means that you're a big girl, now. it means you stand tall and be nice, even when your pantyhose is itchy and your skirt rides up when you sit down. it means you've got to be brave and not let the tears get to you when you've been trampled on by inconsiderate meany ol' guys. it means you've gotta smile pretty even when it's an awful bad bad bad hair day, and you need to laugh when you make a fool of yourself trying to play sports. it's what our mama's taught us.
watch any little girl dancing and spinning in circles with her daddy. she's on tiptoe...already, in her mind, in those little high heels. see her glowing face as she cooks her very first casserole and presents it to her family, and see how she bounces up on those tippy toes.
i've had several pairs of oh-so-cute heels for a while, and i pop them out and pull them on every once in awhile when there's no shorties to mock me.
a few months ago, a dear friend invited me to be a bridesmaid for her fairy-tale wedding, and i happily excepted. "see heather, it's gonna be like you're a princess," my daddy told me. today, he came home and told me to open up a mysterious white box. "it's for you to wear at your friend's wedding," he explained.
inside, was a pair of little high heels.