further proof that nothing good ever happens after midnight...

i love my high heels.
(WARNING: if you are a teenage boy, tomboyish girl, bored blogger, homework slacker, sleepy housewife or any kind of guy, proceed with caution. you're about to be swamped with a entire page of facts you honestly care nothing about. even if nothing on the previous list applies to you in any way, just go ahead and scroll down a little farther. seriously, if you're reading this...you have way too much time on your hands.)
let me say this again, for added effect.
i love my high heels. see, it all begins at the tender age of five for a young girl. it starts with watching the charming cinderella go waltzing around the ball room with her manly prince charming in her lovely glass slippers. then it's flipping reverently through musty wedding albums and seeing dear mommy smiling dazzlingly with her manly prince charming wearing her white slippers. and then it's opening the box containing your very first pair of plastic dress up disney princess heels. ohh, the delight. and at the innocent age of five, every young girl makes a decision she will stick to the rest of her life.
first, wear high heels as often as you can.
second, keep an eye out for prince charming.
and third... don't forget to be a princess.
in history, high heels were first invented as a way to keep tender tootsies out of the muddy streets. well, that, and also a manipulative method to keep royalty from running away...(why am i not surprised)...it's argued that leonardo da vinci was the first to create them as a fashion icon. the revival of western high fashion in the post-war 1950s was led by french designer christian dior and his collaboration with shoe designer roger vivier. together they developed a low-cut vamp and gave the little beauty an italian name for a small dagger with a slender, tapering blade...or a little something you hear giddy urban shoppers call the stiletto. well anyhoo, girls don't care about that. (odd, isn't it, what five minutes of google history can teach you about heels...)
girls like that wearing their heels gives them an instant confidence booster and upper hand in any situation. two added inches of heel height works magic over a group of cynical listeners. also, their feet look smaller, their legs look longer and, most importantly...we feel pretty. isn't that all that really counts? of course, there is one major drawback. it's a huge heartbreaking hardship on those cursed with the rare case of...long legs. i'm talking barbie long legs. over the years i've found a handful of friends with my same problem. we stick together and tearfully pad around in our floppy ballet flats. oh, life is harsh. it's like what the darling and wise seven year old muttered in disbelief to me, " how can you ever be a princess without high heels?!"
see, i had a list when i was six years old. even at that naive age i felt a responsibility to my future, so i gravely mapped out the next ten years. by the time i was sixteen i'd be ancient, and i needed to make sure i had a fail-proof plan. unfortunately, that list drawn on hello kitty note paper has been lost in our many moves across many states. i can only remember item two on that list...WORK AT TACO BELL AND/OR WALMART. understandably, i have an urgency to make sure that there is more on that list.
for reference, i interviewed a group of chatty six year olds from our old church in california. they were flattered that an ancient teenager would be so interested in their future, and they gladly filled me in.
abby said a pink truck and 10 dogs is a MUST. i made sure to write that one down on a napkin...
kaytee told me to wear dark lipstick and dresses every day and walk around barefoot. i told her i'm already doing two of those.
merissa said to work somewhere nice where you can make your own lotto and own pretty green aprons. note: pretty sure she meant latte, as in a starbucks? would have asked her to clarify but then
shelby mentioned i should have a nice boyfriend. i skipped that one...
tara slapped her hands on the table, turned to me, and yelled, "YOU HAFTA WEAR HIGH HEELS ALL THE TIME." the little girls cheered and i meekly tucked my flats under my chair....
high heels are monumental for every female. it means that you're a big girl, now. it means you stand tall and be nice, even when your pantyhose is itchy and your skirt rides up when you sit down. it means you've got to be brave and not let the tears get to you when you've been trampled on by inconsiderate meany ol' guys. it means you've gotta smile pretty even when it's an awful bad bad bad hair day, and you need to laugh when you make a fool of yourself trying to play sports. it's what our mama's taught us.
watch any little girl dancing and spinning in circles with her daddy. she's on tiptoe...already, in her mind, in those little high heels. see her glowing face as she cooks her very first casserole and presents it to her family, and see how she bounces up on those tippy toes.
i've had several pairs of oh-so-cute heels for a while, and i pop them out and pull them on every once in awhile when there's no shorties to mock me.
a few months ago, a dear friend invited me to be a bridesmaid for her fairy-tale wedding, and i happily excepted. "see heather, it's gonna be like you're a princess," my daddy told me. today, he came home and told me to open up a mysterious white box. "it's for you to wear at your friend's wedding," he explained.
inside, was a pair of little high heels.

day 43

*still don't know how, but i managed to drag myself out of bed at 6:05 and stumble in the shower. no sleep in two days, have barely eaten a thing for days.

*mom's back respasmed again, right before we were about to leave for church...finally got her feeling better...ran out the door...bwahaha, my hair looked pretty funny. brushed it on the way...

*decided that eagles are pretty much AWESOME. mhmm...

*me: "it's my mom's acer laptop. it weighs five pounds so she can carry it around easier without her back hurting her. it's not mine...don't judge me."
sarah: "oh, it's cute...that's about it."
haha, love that girl.

*brought microwaved buttered popcorn with me to bed and read mlia in the darkness. so much fun...better than the movies. note to self: change greasy sheets tomorrow...

wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

days 40-42

these were the days that heather could not find grace. it's not that she wasn't thankful, it's that she was too busy and too tired for such silly things as a daily blog.
"...be back later, world. i'm a little busy at the moment."

wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 39

*got to a good start this morning with the housework

*heard a strange thump on the floor from downstairs

*everything happened very fast...called emergency and quickly packed mom for an overnight visit

*spent the evening in town and the night with some wonderful friends and charming little munchkins

*another muscle spasm, another 6 months of bed rest, another school year to fall behind in, another summer spent at home, another year of this pain and torture...it's been 3 years now, WHEN WILL THIS FINALLY END.

wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

(haha, this was so not thankful. it was sarcastic, if anything. it seems wrong to post such dreary comments above a link that cheers, WAGE A BATTLE AGAINST EMBITTERMENT!!! oh well, heather is off to bed and not changing it. she is too tired. goodnight, world)

day 38

*the melancholy air that was hanging around...

*fresh cheese sliced on salty pita chips

*the bittersweet realization that i've reached one of my goals. so...now what?

*leftovers that actually look appealing

*scribbled down a list of things i want to improve in myself this summer. i instantly felt better and vowed to accomplish them...tackling the first three this week


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 37

*slept in for the first time in months. ooo la la...feels so good

*the whole family lounged around the table and four spoons dug into a gallon of ice cream. i'm already lovin' summer...

*took buddy back to the old abandoned homestead to film again

*mom: "i saw something in your face the moment you stood up to play yesterday, heather."
me: "what was it?"
"you had a determination to play flawlessly. it was written all over your expression. you put every ounce of your focus into being proactive and chasing success. out of all the things you've put your mind to do, i've never seen you try so hard than for this one..."
easily made my whole week. mothers always know exactly what to say.

*found some old lyrics i'd scribbled on a taco bell napkin last year and bran found a tune that was stuck in his head. for barely trying at all i'm pretty sure we've just written our best song yet...


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 36

*up at 6. practiced until 8. brain block came on around 8:30. panicked for a few minutes...concert begins at 10. here we go...

*"PROACTIVE: not being defined by environment, feelings, attitude, emotions, status, people, or people's opinions of you."-the inspirational words written on my hand at 9:00 this morning. only lasted a few hours until they disappeared off my sweaty palms.

*fellow cheerful piano student: "it's like, hey, what's the worst that could happen up there?"
cynical me: "forget every note and/or forget your name, trip on the stage, send mics flying, break something, dent the 9ft concert Steinway grand, piddle your pants, lisp uncontrollably, burst into tears, rip the sheet music trying to turn those ridiculously thin pages and, fate forbid, end up playing a rock song."
"i was trying to be positive here."
"oh. well then, nothing i can think of..."

*SUCCESS. discovered the thrill that comes from performing under the spotlight. no noticeable mistakes...felt a wicked longing to burn the sheet music when i got home.

*"it's like crack, only better." -explaining the electrifying thrill from performing to evan. he seemed concerned.

wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 35

*at the harsh hour of 5:30 i wanted nothing more than to dive back under the covers and spend Sabbath in slumbers...so thankful i managed to drag my limp body out of bed and into the shower...

*today is mostly a blur...so tired and worn. i knew i probably should stay home and practice, but i went with friends to a voice recital and took a break from the grind of ivory and ebony and textbooks. had a lovely time...i've missed being carefree

*me: "...actually, girls have a list of things in their heads that guys do that is insanely annoying."
Kevin: "what's on The List?"
"oh, you know...what to wear and such..."
"like what?"
"...axe spray stinks in large quantities. 4 days and the same crusty gel in their hair is repulsive. if torn between over-dressing and under-dressing, always opt for the first. no, it is not attractive when guys cross their legs like a girl in high heels, and don't ever wear chains from your pockets. it looks like you're rehearsing the chorus to jingle bells when you walk down the street."
"psh. i knew that."

*harvest peach orchard juice. cool, sweet, and mouth-watering delish. yeah, corn syrup is the 2nd ingredient...so?

*played my songs perfectly tonight. had confidence and faith for tomorrow...


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 34

*suffered a brain block on one of my recital pieces today...frantically practiced for hours

*considered dropping the song...wished someone would flat out say i can't do it so then i would

*put my befuddled noodle back in my head and commanded myself not to lose sanity

*rediscovered how a few minutes of air guitar and crazy hairography can turn an exhausted person into a rejuvenated lil' energizer battery bunny

*i'm sure somebody said something interesting today, but i never heard it because i was in the study with the door closed...going over my pieces again and again...therefore no quotes today

wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 33

*filming by the abandoned homestead again

*"do you want to see my dolly?"
"oh, sweetie, she's beautiful...what's her name?"
"Anorexia."
"oh..."

*turned the upstairs into a sparkling reorganized and completely de-cluttered haven of squeaky clean sanitation. it's been sterilized to shiny perfection. all in one afternoon. i'm happy.

*cold pink lemonade

*pulled on a short sleeved shirt in sweaty desperation for the first time this year. summer has officially begun


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

just watch me...

"you couldn't do it."
i looked away and nibbled on my bottom lip.
"yeah! you're just a girl."
oooo, now that stung. cody trenner and his playmate levi norris were at it again.
"see, watch me, heather." levi sauntered over to The Bars Of Doom. he shinnied up the ladder, and, balancing himself perfectly on the top rung, he just barely reached the first Bar Of Doom with his stubby arms. he arched his body and swung out gracefully.
i watched skeptically. levi's short, stocky body seemed better fit for The Bars Of Doom than my tall, skinny one, and i told him so.
"yeah...you're just sceeered. heather's a scaredy cat!" came his prompt reply. cody trenner picked up his taunts and the playground echoed with his evil mockery.
i squinted my eyes at them and wished them far, far away.
"i dare you... i dare you to go across the monkey bars." cody trenner accentuated his words with a look of scorn.
it was the final blow. he lit a firecracker.
"WATCH ME!" i cried, and ran to The Bars Of Doom, my delicate hair ribbons streaming behind me. oooh, i was mad. my fury almost blinded me. fire flew out of my eyes and out my ears and from my nose. i shut my teeth together with a snap and climbed resolutely up the ladder to the top rung.
i was almost to The Bars Of Doom.

wait, i should stop there and explain. at the tender age of six, there were several things i hated. first, it was being called a girl.
second, it was tomatoes, carbonated water, and anything remotely spicy.
third, it was my mother's subtraction flashcards.
and fourth...it was The Bars Of Doom. those shiny monkey bars were at an endless height and seemed to float in the clouds. i hated them like nothing else...those Bars Of Doom were, in my mind, the axis of evil.

i balanced myself carefully on the top rung and copied the exact way levi had swung out. i could reach the bar just fine...i jumped...i was swinging out...
BAAAM.

unfortunately, i had misjudged the distance. levi was significantly shorter than me, and i only need to stand on the second, or perhaps third rung.

my little body was crumpled on the sand, staring up at The Bars Of Doom. stars circled around my cranium. fury was still pumping through my veins, and i jumped back up and swung across those Bars Of Doom. at the end, i was determined to be THE BEST, so i pulled my body up and perched atop those monkey bars.
levi and cody were dumbstruck. not only did this skinny little freak knock herself senseless, but she swung across and sat on top of the monkey bars. only the Honorable Big Kids knew how to do that.
i swung my legs freely and grinned in spite of a goose-egg size bump on my forehead. a moment later, the last bit of adrenaline dried up and i realized i was really really high up.
and i didn't know how to get down.
levi and cody were gracious and helped the sobbing six year old down from her perch in the clouds.
but i never forgot that day that i defeated The Bars Of Doom.

as i grew older, things changed.
i decided being a girl wasn't so bad, after all. and tomatoes, carbonated water, and spicy packets of taco bell fire sauce could be tolerated. flashcards were easy, and monkey bars were actually kinda fun.
but one thing never changed at all.
whenever someone tells me i can't do it, i get this burning desire to prove them wrong. thankfully i mellowed out a little and don't do things senselessly just for the sake of doing it, but whenever someone approaches me and says, either spitefully or innocently, that i am not capable of doing something, i make it my life mission to do that very thing.
when i was twelve, i was told i could never finish two grades in one year. i completed all my work with a month to spare...
when i was thirteen, i told a friend that i enjoy writing. he laughed and dared me to keep a journal longer than a year. three and a half years later, i have eight journals and thousands of handwritten pages.
when i was fourteen, my piano teacher said it would take years to re-learn everything. i was past my previous level in months.
when i was fifteen, i heard from a egotistic song writer that heather ruiz could never write lyrics. "not any rhyming ones, anyways..." seventeen recorded songs later, i proved him wrong with two notebooks full of lyrics.
later that year, i was told that i couldn't carve on my snowboard very fast. in one day, i pushed my fears behind me and busted down the slopes faster than i ever had.

so go ahead...tell me i can't do it.
tell me i'm too young, too inexperienced, too uneducated, and inform me that i have a crystal castle of dreams and too many fantasies. try to get me insecure and make me rethink my goals. ignore my words and call me a feeble girl. undermine my actions and scorn my principals.
and then sit back and let me prove you wrong.

you just watch me...

day 32

*piggyback rides

*the classic stories of high school memories

*me: "dad, today is momentous. i have made a life-changing decision. *sighs* i've decided not to get a puppy."
dad: "oh, really?"
bran: "thank goodness!"
me: "...i'm getting a horse instead."
dad: "oh really?!"
bran: "oh. my. goodness."

*black converse high tops

*sissy: "buddy...oh, BUDDY...buuuddyyyy...BUDDY GET YOUR BUTT-Y OVER HERE."


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 31

*the best mother in the world. love you, mom!

*yet another paradigm shift

*redefining goals for this summer and resolving to change some of the things i've been whining about

*scribbling down 20 things to be accomplished on a post it and sticking it on the inside cover of Jo.

*there. they said there's no way i could do it. watch me.
wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 30

*the "awesomest" green and yellow exploding baking soda volcano ever made by six giddy primaries

*sissy: "i'm thirteen. i'm fine."

*surprising myself with the amount of endurance i had for the hike...i feel invincible

*sissy: "okay, i figured this whole thing out. i think i've made a huge discovery..."
"what?"
"guys are jerks."

*that night..."i think there's something on my leg...OMW, I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY LEG."
sissy: "oh, look, it's a tick!"
*screams*
...sissy picks it off and holds it up..."oooo, that's a big lil' sucker...i'll bet he has friends..."


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 29

*my frozen chocolate cake was just as good the 3rd time it was warmed up

*forgetting a hot pad was stuck to the bottom of my pot before setting it on the burner

*seeing 5ft flames leaping up from the stove and lighting our new pinewood cupboards on fire

*bran flying upstairs, throwing the blackened pot in the sink and putting out the flames

*ever so thankful for my knight in shining armor...or brother in blue pajama pants...my, he is wonderful.


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 28

*realizing the concert is in a little over a week away

*losing sanity for 4 seconds

*feeling tempted to procrastinate again and eat more chips but instead settled my fanny on the piano bench and went over every measure and chord at different time signatures for hours...

*bran: "recitals are overrated performances showcasing talent or the lack of and raising competition levels among friends. in other words, heather, just keep practicing."

*me: "so mom, i was thinking if i added to my cell plan then i could chat with my friends that have different providers without costing myself a fortune."
bran: "'chat with my friends'...HAHAHAHAHA!!!"


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 27

*nathaniel: "let's play house! i'll be the mommy, and you be the daddy."
"and i suppose kaleb is the baby?"
"noooo, that's silly!!!"
i guess being daddy just comes naturally for me

*jumping ecstatically on a trampoline and yodeling myself hoarse

*"heather, DON'T GO OUTSIDE!"
"why?"
"there's ticks!!! they will suck your blood!"
i had fun explaining that one...

*informing a boy of tender years that Hollywood isn't real...film crews did not stalk the characters in The Amazing Panda Adventure. he seemed crushed. i think i just killed a little piece of him...belief in Hollywood is more sentimental than Santa

*"one for you, two for me, one for you, two for me..." Abi, serving fresh strawberries


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 25

*hardcore piano practice...4 hours

*realizing i've been giving myself permission to be a lachrymose couch potato

*getting over it

*throwing myself into spring cleaning...

*mom: "we should make our motto, eliminate! eliminate! eliminate!"


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 24

*finally...a piano lesson that goes smoothly. considered finding a lighter touch piano to practice on so the switch isn't so drastic

*spending a carefree afternoon with four kids under the age of 10 splashing around in a heated pool. could life get any better?

*in walmart...
"can i have that?"
"i don't have any money."
"can i have that?"
"still no money..."
"what about that?"
...
"can i have that?" he seemed taken back.

*sissy's signature laugh that starts with a giggle and ends with a little snort...love that girl

*"heather, catch!" "ahhh!" *ducks*


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 23

*warm dog breath in my face...

*"drop it, buddy, drop it...drop iiiiiit....Drop Iiiiit....DROP IT, buddy. buddy, wait, come baaack..."

*fishing tennis balls out of the creek...it's a gold mine in there

*realizing i can't find the carpet in my room...also realizing Ruiz's Month Of May (dum dum duuuuum...) begins today and i'm supposed to eliminate half of everything i own

*after making the previous realization, i felt so exhausted and overwhelmed i promptly sat down to watch old documentaries and eat a bag of chips. procrastination is sweet.

wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 22

*my screaming headache was replaced by a dull roar

*that dog knows how to sit. thank goodness...we're breaking ground here, people

*it began to moodily drizzle here, and it was comforting to my exasperated cranium

*only 6 dog fights all day. better than i had hoped for...

*pajama pants. when life is more than you can handle, don't be afraid to embrace it with your comfy pajama pants on all day. the neighbors will understand...ours do...

day 21

today i was cynical and could not give thanks.


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

days 8-20

*in europe. 'nuff said.


wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

day 7

*single packets of stale roasted peanuts

*refined, proper english accents we americans envy so much

*ausfhart.

*"ma'am, where are the restroom on this plane?"
"downstairs."
"um, i'm in a plane."
"yes, you are, and it is downstairs."
*blank look*
*points*
"ohhhh!"
gotta love lufthansa airlines for their macho titanic-ish jets...

*mostly, i am so incredibly thankful i was not stuck in chicago airport for 9 days waiting for the ash to clear from a recent volcano...got out in the nick of time

wage a battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.